A SPECIAL REPORT
Trump’s Pet Sentient Spider, Stephen Miller
Never Stare Directly At Stephen Miller! He Must Only Be Seen Through A Solar Eclipse Viewer.
Looking AMAZING! — 32 year old Miller recently had his second molting. (His next molting will grant him an exoskeleton and four more limbs, making him virtually unstoppable).
Since January 2017, when it finally sank in that all this is… real, despite how completely and mesmerizingly UNREAL it all seemed, seems, and will seem*,… I’ve experienced every emotion, from dread to way-more dread.
anger, incredulous speechlessness, and every now and again, a slight respite moment of bursting into laughter, all due to the befuddled and terrifyingly hysterical comedic efforts of Donald J. Trump, or, as he now likes to be called: “Dotardius J. Treason-Face”
(*To people living in underground silos, who are curious as to the chain of events that lead them to live there, and what “Outside” was like).
So, having run the gamut of emotions via Trump, let’s discuss — revulsion, our response to one of the many terrifying monsters Trump has cursed all of us with, Stephen Miller, the single most scary thing that ever crawled out from underneath Fraggle Rock.
Fun Fact: Stephen Miller was BEST FRIENDS WITH RICHARD SPENCER (Inventor of plastic surgery achieved through racism), in college, and NOW he’s in the White House!! Isn’t that FUN!?
Donald, I knew you from before all this happened. I knew exactly what you were about, what you would do, and in what order. I’m effing Nostradamus when it comes to you. There’s truly nothing in the entire universe easier to predict.
I knew you’d give yourself giant tax breaks, give yourself business advantages, deregulate everything, destroy the environment like you’re a swarm of locusts sent by an angered god to eat us, and then strip the earth of all living things.
I knew every equation of what you’d do would be:
“How does this help Donald Trump?” + “Financially” = What Trump Does.
The ramp up from “total dick” all the way to “Feral, F’******g Lunatic” IN JUST A COUPLE OF MONTHS- was somewhat unforeseen… but an added bonus, in that at least the things you were doing to completely terrify us, were done in such a comedic and idiotic way, that it can all be matched to “the Benny Hill theme song” as a soundtrack, syncing to it like it’s “Dark Side of the Moon” and the “Wizard of Oz”.
And yet… I’m constantly surprised by how MEAN you can be, because, I’m a human, from Earth.
Sicking Miller on us was just plain cruel. So was having 2,500 small children kidnapped and put into cages with no plans to ever reunite them with their families…
But I digress because I’m very heavily medicated (or at least think I am, there’s no real way to be sure…). So, let’s find out more about Stephen Miller, the world’s first sentient toe.
Miller was originally conceived as a worst-case-scenario of a “what NOT to do” work-place poster that hangs in GOD’s factory. An intern named Garreth misunderstood the poster’s intent and built Miller, much to the chagrin of all other living things.
I had spoken to Stephen Miller’s mother in a previous article, who had this to say:
“I hated him from moment one. The first time I ever held him, my immediate reflexive reaction was a very strong compulsion to hurl him out of the closest window, but I knew there would be legal repercussions. — I remember holding him towards to sky and crying out “Why GOD why?”, to which GOD responded “Sorry… You SEE, Garreth? THAT’S why we don’t misinterpret signs!”…
Miller’s mother* went on to tearfully say
“I fed him nothing but Pine Sol and silica gel packets for the first 14 years of his life, but it only made him stronger. I’m now in a support group called mothers who are sickened by their own sons”.
*(I’m sure she has a name).
His one-man opera “Curse of the spider people” Got scathing reviews.
Now, we all remember the first time Miller made his television debut. All across America people saw Miller, shouted “EEP!!”, and ran to get bug spray, and started spraying the screens of their TV’s, voiding many warranties.
Stephen Miller’s own uncle — took time out of his busy schedule of pretending he’s not related to Stephen Miller — to craft an op-ed about how being related to Stephen Miller is far more embarrassing than being related to Richard Speck, John Wayne Gacy Jr., Jeffrey Dahmer, or *Kid Rock (*a guy whose own music is even worse than Speck’s, Gacy’s, or Dahmer’s).
Miller’s uncle waxed poetic about how Stephen Miller brought shame upon his entire family, and how Stephen Miller’s origins include Miller’s mother being cursed by Gypsies, and how the doctors and nurses in the delivery room all tried their best to convince Miller’s mother to allow them to “kill it before it’s too late!”. Miller’s mother agreed, but baby Stephen unleashed a cloud of halitosis and wasps with tiny, screaming, human faces from his infant mouth, instantly killing the entire attending medical staff.
As a boy, Miller was given a puppy which he was able to devour in just two bites. As a high school student, Miller would make impassioned speeches to protest his having to act like a human being and use trash receptacles, in lieu of having janitors following him around to pick up his garbage. I swear I’m not even making that up.
Don’t believe me? Here’s proof…
Oh, my deeply cherished, adored and beloved readers — I’m sorry to have exposed you to such a horrible and terrifying video. However, this monstrosity of maniacal assholery now wields great power, bestowed upon him by an unhinged, orange, lunatic, Hobgoblin stapled to a hair weave. Donald Trump will do anything he possibly can to hurt us all and Miller is living-undead proof of this.
Written by Steven W. Rouach.