Trump’s heavily concussed former “lawyer” splits with own legal team after they say “Goodbye”, and “Please don’t call us…”
Cohen-Head
Michael Cohen, the actual, human warning label for blunt force head trauma, had ANOTHER FUN day today when he parted with his lawyers (*after they suggested a game of “Hide and Seek” with Cohen, and then immediately jumped into vehicles and sped away at high speeds the moment Michael Cohen hid his eyes).
So, Michael Cohen, who calls himself “a lawyer”, -because “Man Pretending To Be A Lawyer” doesn’t look quite right on business cards,- is now in need of NEW lawyers.
FUN!
As you can see in the picture above: Cohen’s Lawyers seem SUPER-EXCITED to be there with him. It doesn’t at all look like they’re rather be anywhere else, including most sewers.
To recap, Cohen recently had his house, apartment, office, hotel room, summer house, winter house, car, bicycle, a different car than the one I just mentioned, and storage units raided*. They also took his SIXTEEN MOBILE PHONES**, beepers, laptop computers, desktop computers, refrigerators, televisions, his apple watch, iPad, Galaxy-Tab, Etch-O-Sketch, C.B. Radio, and an autographed picture of Trump, that’s signed by Trump with the sentence “I’ll soon betray you, in every possible way- Donald”
*(Raided by the FBI, a well known branch of law enforcement here on planet Earth)
**(Many innocent, normal, everyday people own 16 phones… just,… you know, spread out over the course of a lifetime, instead of all at once).
So, Michael Cohen is in a bit of trouble. For example, Cohen’s friend the Taxi-King, or Cab-Highness, Evgeny Freidman, was - supposed- to go to jail for like 100 years for breaking various laws, and he recently sold out Cohen to where Freidman’s sentence will be ZERO jail time, and a promise “to look solemn, and repentant, when applicable”.
Michael Cohen’s legal team (and due to legalities I will try to make this as accurate as possible) through various sources, were reported to have said such statements as “So long” and “Take care, brush your hair!” and “Arrivederci SUCKER!”, to Michael Cohen.
So, here’s my suggestions for replacement Cohen lawyers.
- Fictional Lawyer: Saul Goodman
- Fictional Lawyer: James Morgan “Jimmy” McGill
- Fictional Lawyer: Barry Zuckerkorn
- Fictional Law Firm: Dewey, Cheatem & Howe
- Actual Law Firm: O’Neal & Pray
Now, when Trump heard Cohen was in trouble he LOST HIS MIND. Like a maniac would…
THEN with the sort of solemn gravitas reminiscent of Richard Nixon’s experiments with Angel Dust mixed with Methamphetamines, Trump tweeted that Michael Cohen’s arrest was an ATTACK ON AMERICA.
No, really.
He really tweeted that, a phrase usually reserved for things like Pearl Harbor. About Michael Cohen. Being Raided. For breaking the law.
(Audible sigh).Then, he basically said how it’s UNFAIR that Michael Cohen isn’t allowed to commit crimes, just as he sees fit. Then, he said it’s “a Witch Hunt!”. Then, he brought up Obama, and Hillary and said very profound, yet poignant, things like:
“What about Obama!?!”
“What about HILLARY!?!”
-in what many Republicans are calling “A VERY compelling argument!”.
Future Trump tweets:
- “I’ve obviously chewed through my restraints again! So I’m tweeting! Normal human restraints can no longer stop me! My name will soon be attached to historic legislation severely limiting executive pardoning power for all time to come!”
- “Witch Hunt! Only 20 people who’ve been charged by the special counsel’s team — some of whom have already pleaded guilty — in addition to three businesses. Only 75 criminal charges in all! UNFAIR! DO SOMETHING!!!”
So, EXCITED by seeing Michael Cohen’s entire life fall apart just because he broke a ton of laws and was also a dick about it? I know I sure am! Let us know in the comments below!
Written by Steven W. Rouach
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