Famed alcohol-taste-tester Matt Gaetz, like so many other Bond villains, is about to plummet right into the volcano he himself created.
Here’s a candid and un-doctored photo of me when I first learned Matt Gaetz is in -what legal experts are calling - SERIOUS TROUBLE.
See how happy I was? Look at the glee emanating off me. It felt like if The Beatles, Chocolate, and Pot all had a baby together and then gave it to me to raise as my own.
Then… I heard the details of the allegations and the fun was over. Underage girls being brought across state lines for prostitution. Exploited. Filmed, according to reports. Oh, sometimes the world we live in makes me want to hurl the entire Earth right into the sun if only I could.
So, taking the counsel of Florida’s top legal experts who recklessly experiment with hallucinogens, Matt Gaetz went on America’s own #1 Source of Sexual Harassment Allegations, FOX ‘News’! — (Motto: We Put The “Air Quotes” on the Word “News”)
Matt spoke to a hybrid caucasian-ferret wearing a bowtie named Tucker Carlson. Gaetz then accused Carlson and Carlson’s wife of having a lovely dinner with him and one of his… um…“dates”… so that the FBI can start immediately questioning Tucker and Tucker’s wife*.
*(She’s the author of the book; “How to Overcome Revulsion” by Tucker Carlson’s Wife — with a very special forward by Satan!”)
Tucker Carlson was pleased as punch with Gaetz’s allegations, as seen by the fact that Carlson wanted to punch Gaetz. Then Gaetz spent some time helpfully reminding Carlson of Carlson’s own sexual misconduct allegations. So, all in all, some really great TV that truly showcased the kind of work Matt Gaetz does for his Florida constituents.
Now, let’s do a bullet point list of Matt Gaetz’s AMAZING past achievements.
- Matt Gaetz successfully drove drunk to the peril of pedestrians and other drivers, got pulled over for DUI by a cop whose job includes preventing drunk drivers from driving the wrong way down the highway while vomiting, AND SO, Matt had his rich, powerful, daddy get him off all the charges, AND THEN, Matt’s daddy used his wealth, power, and influence to have the cop who put a stop to Matt’s maniacal and idiotic vehicular drunken spree — FIRED FROM HIS JOB!
No, really. That happened. Isn’t that something? To have a Matt Gaetz life completely free of any consequences for your actions… and then viciously punishing anyone who even suggests you follow the most basic laws of society. I hear that really builds… um… “character”.
Here’s a random billboard in Florida.
- Matt Gaetz hired a known white nationalist named Darren Beattie to become his speechwriter. Oh, and guess what! He did it by using funds that he wasn’t allowed to use. Gaetz, a Florida Republican (SURPRISE!), conceded that he improperly sent $28,000 in taxpayer funds to a limited liability company connected to Beattie. Gaetz patiently explained he did this because rules and ethics are silly and don’t apply to Republicans in general and especially himself in particular.
- Matt Gaetz then successfully infiltrated an adults-only hearing about whether or not Donald Trump can commit as much treason and commit as many crimes as Mr. Trump’s heart desires with zero repercussions. Gaetz passionately spoke about his true deeply held beliefs and desires, all of which boiled down to Gaetz’s aspirations of diligently and lovingly licking all of Donald Trump’s hemorrhoids shiny-clean.
- Matt Gaetz used taxpayer funds and built himself — A TV STUDIO. I’m guessing he originally planned to start filming a three-camera sitcom based on his own life such as:
“The Slow-Adult-Pugsley-Addams Vomits and Passes Out While Driving Show”,
or, “Raising Nestor”,
or, “The Very Illegal Adventures of Herb Tarlek’s Evil Twin”.
- AND -Matt Gaetz's taxpayer-funded TV studio (and the taxpayer-funded TV equipment that resides there) ALSO gets a weekly taxpayer-funded fee for its use. Guess where it’s located!
It’s located in — Matt Gate’s father’s HOUSE! No, really. It really is. Matt Gaetz uses the studio to film himself spouting insane nonsense and gibberish to inspire people — to storm the Capitol, kill and maim police, endanger the lives of the entire Senate and House, attempt to hang Mike Pence, and attempt to overthrow the entire US government, whenever Donald Trump refuses to lose an election.
- Gaetz adopted a teenaged male named Nestor. No one knows what that’s about, not even Nestor. Also, there were no adoption papers, and Nestor already has a father, but Matt Gaetz adopted him anyway. It reminds me of my own idea to adopt Tina Fey.
Obviously, that list really does give us a glimpse of the roll-up-your-sleeves kind of work that Gaetz does for his constituents. He’s really tackling their problems — by blaming their problems — on Antifa, the liberal left, people who own Simon & Garfunkle albums, Hillary, Hollywood, the free press, Mr. Rogers, and the Deep State!
And I watched all this for the past four years. — With my EYES!
I watched this rich, white, slimy, disgusting, psychotic, bobble-headed-inbred man doing whatever he pleases to disrupt and endanger an entire country just to make a name for himself. A guy who took an oath to uphold the U.S. Constitution and made a mockery of both the oath and the document.
AND THEN THE OTHER SHOE DROPPED.
The shoe of a 17-year-old girl transported across state lines to be used as a prostitute by Gaetz and his rich, ghoulish, pedophilic friends. Possibly joining the pornographic images and movies Gaetz would (allegedly) insist on sharing ON THE ACTUAL FLOOR OF THE U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.
Here’s another random billboard in Florida. (It’s a Golden Age for the Floridian billboard industry).
Now, Gaetz’s BEST FRIEND Joel Greenberg is currently throwing Gaetz under the bus. Mr. Greenberg‘s hobbies include: spending hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars to create no-show jobs for relatives and some of his groomsmen, sex trafficking of minors, bribery, fraud, and stalking, which are among the 33 federal charges Greenberg is facing in his madcap attempt to collect the entire full set of federal charges currently in existence.
And somehow, these activities got Greenberg in trouble. Imagine that. And Greenberg’s brand new hobby - is sharing everything anyone wants to know about Matt Gaetz in hopes of a lighter sentence.
So, Matt Gaetz turned to the person he’s championed for four LONG years. The guy he fought for day and night. The guy he loyally protected in any and all means humanly possible. He turned to Donald Trump. A guy whose loyalty to friends in trouble includes the phrases “I don’t really know him”, “I’ve only met him a few times”, and, “I’m not sure who that is”. And, shockingly, Trump refused to meet with Gaetz.
Rest assured we’re seeing just the tip of Gaetz’s penis-shaped iceberg, and over the coming months, we will learn all new disgusting and horrible things about this monstrosity that once walked freely amongst us, the soon-to-be former representative, Matt Gaetz.
Written by Steven W. Rouach