Famed alcohol-taste-tester Matt Gaetz, like so many other Bond villains, is about to plummet right into the volcano he himself created.
Here’s a candid and un-doctored photo of me when I first learned Matt Gaetz is in -what legal experts are calling - SERIOUS TROUBLE.
See how happy I was? Look at the glee emanating off me. It felt like if The Beatles, Chocolate, and Pot all had a baby together and then gave it to me to raise as my own.
Then… I heard the details of the allegations and the fun was over. Underage girls being brought across state lines for prostitution. Exploited. Filmed, according to reports. Oh, sometimes the world we live in makes me want to hurl the entire Earth right into the sun if only I could.
So, taking the counsel of Florida’s top legal experts who recklessly experiment with hallucinogens, Matt Gaetz went on America’s own #1 Source of Sexual Harassment Allegations, FOX ‘News’! — (Motto: We Put The “Air Quotes” on the Word “News”)
Matt spoke to a hybrid caucasian-ferret wearing a bowtie named Tucker Carlson. Gaetz then accused Carlson and Carlson’s wife of having a lovely dinner with him and one of his… um…“dates”… so that the FBI can start immediately questioning Tucker and Tucker’s wife*.
*(She’s the author of the book; “How to Overcome Revulsion” by Tucker Carlson’s Wife — with a very special forward by Satan!”)
Tucker Carlson was pleased as punch with Gaetz’s compelling anecdote, as seen by the fact that Carlson wanted to punch Gaetz. Then, Gaetz spent some time helpfully reminding Tucker Carlson that Carlson was also accused of sexual misconduct in the past, and then they went to a commercial. So, all in all, some really great TV that truly showcased the kind of work Matt Gaetz does for his Florida constituents.
Now, let’s do a bullet point list of Matt Gaetz’s AMAZING past achievements.
- Matt Gaetz successfully drove drunk to the peril of pedestrians and other drivers, got pulled over for DUI by a cop whose job includes preventing…