Sony’s EXCITING Plan to Ruin Spider-Man! (It Was Fun While it Lasted).

Electronics Giant Pulls the Plug on Beloved Franchise.

Pictured: Sony decided to buck tradition and just lazily film the next Spider-Man using only iPhones

According to reports, Sony and Disney have failed to come to an agreement on a continued collaboration in the Spider-Man movie series.

This is part of an ongoing worldwide effort to prevent anything from ever making me happy again, even momentarily. So, it’s sort of my fault.

Sony has decided that too many people are watching Tom Holland’s Spider-Man movies and so they decided to bring it more in line with their demolished Ghostbuster franchise, their demolished Dark Tower franchise, and other fine Sony cinematic wonders such as “Pixels”, “Grimbsy”, “The Emoji Movie” and “Ricki & the Flash”. These Sony films were indeed “INSPIRING”, as many movie reviewers used these Sony films as a basis of ‘inspiration’ to craft their own suicide notes.

This brings us to Sony and Spider-Man. Specifically Spider-Man 3.
Sony was the cause of lame Emo Spider-Man JAZZ DANCING and being a douche-nozzle. This killed the franchise for a few years. Then, they had a reboot, “The Amazing Spider-Man”, and it was… fine. So, Sony went ahead and filmed “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” despite the advice of many in the industry strongly suggesting they write a script before filming.

THEN, Sony partnered with Marvel. Marvel can make a comic based movie about a group of Dr. Scholl’s arch-supports teaming up and somehow make it awesome. They hired real-life Spider-Man Tom Holland to portray Spider-Man, tied him into the MCU and everyone said “YAY!”. Remember how happy we were? Ah, simpler times…

And here we are now.

So, what DOES the Sony version of Spider-Man look like viewed through my fantastic and remarkable ability to see the future?

Let’s watch this upcoming abomination together, shall we?

1. Celebrity Villains Galore. Having many, many, villains in a super-hero film is a great way to not have to develop their backstories or have the audience connect with them in any way.
2. No “Happy” Hogan and Aunt May arc. I personally liked the dynamic of Peter Parker dealing with Aunt May and Happy Hogan. That ends due to the Happy Hogan character falling under Marvel/Disney’s domain.
3. THE PLOT: Peter Parker bla bla bla love interest, bla bla bla trouble with his powers, bla bla bla some personal connection to all the aforementioned celebrity vilians, bla bla bla adversity! Then, Peter Parker uses his Spider-Man powers to do some light bookkeeping, then he performs LASIK eye surgery on some lucky New Yorkers, and then in the third act he learns to play the banjo at an expert level before discovering the power was within him the whole time and he just needed to believe in himself!
4. THE PLOT II: Oh, and Spider-Man defeats the villains and makes a snarky remark that would’ve been funny if it was done by the competent Marvel writers, but falls with a thud instead.
5. 53% on Rotten Tomatoes, unless the studio intervenes, in which case the number will be closer to 38%.

So, EXCITED to see the third reboot of a beloved franchise sink into the abyss due to a bit of greed and due to Sony, somehow, being under the impression that they can make a competent movie despite all evidence to the contrary?

Do YOU think Sony will follow in the footsteps of FOX who handily killed

1. The Fantastic Four
2. The X-Men
3. Everything else in existence?

Let us know in the comments below as I leave you with the words of Stan Lee

“ ‘Nuff Said!”

Written by Steven W. Rouach

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