Satan Himself Pushes Pro Trump Agenda.

Unclean Spirit Casts Out America‘s Soul

(Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images, Thinkstock).

Ah, the smell of brimstone is in the air.

Something BAD happened…

Oh, SATAN pushed Ruth Bader Ginsburg (a human, from Earth) onto the concrete. He broke three of her ribs. Approximately 160 million Americans have all since offered to donate their own ribs, and any other body parts Ruth Ginsberg might need.

So, I decided to diligently investigate this further in ways that involved me not leaving my apartment. It’s these kinds of innovations in journalism that has me commonly be referred to as “the Edward R. Murrow of This Generation”.

FIRST, I needed to track Satan down, so I looked up “most comedic investigative force in the universe” on Google* and the result was “Jacob Wohl’s Mom”. So I contacted Surefire Intelligence, one of the pioneers of idiocy in intelligence.

(*Google is a search engine that’s much like “Bing” except for that people use it)

I dialed the number on Surefire’s website after gazing at the many character actors who were listed as “agents”.

SUREFIRE: “Hello, Surefire Intelligence & Federal Prison Training Center for FBI Intervention. — This is Jacob Wohl’s Mom speaking, although I’m sure I probably have a first name…”