Paul Ryan VERY Excited About Trump’s Promised “Bloodbath”
By Steven W. Rouach
Paul Ryan LOVES death. Paul Ryan LOVES blood. And now it’s Paul Ryan’s species’ version of Valentines Day. Due to the NEW GOP Healthcare Bill.
Paul Ryan, who somehow got voted into the senate despite his vampirism, first made a name for himself (that name being “Nosferatu”), by winning the “Have Less Empathy Than Ayn Rand” contest four consecutive years in a row. His ideas of turning poor people into mulch for various GOP lawns and gardens, is much of why he’s so popular amongst any conservatives who have yet to be personally bitten by him.
The Affordable Care Act is something Ryan and other Republicans, such as the two old men who critique and disparage the Muppet Show, have been ferociously against due to it’s unfortunate consequence of keeping many poor people from dying.
So let’s ALL get excited about our new Trump Care! It’s like “Obama-Care” except it is “way, way, way better” at bridging the gap that kept too many of the nation’s poor and old from preventable death. Just as Donald Trump promised.
When Trump first announced the new health plan would be “Way, way, way better,… just terrific,… so great that Americans will wish for less great, terrific, great, way better health plan.” during the 2016 campaign, many who voted for him foolishly assumed he meant “better for Americans”, as opposed to “better for billionaires”. Women especially will benefit from this, which in combination with defunding planned parenthood will have them spend less time wasting taxpayer dollars on pap smears and breast exams, and provide them more time for their new hobbies of rapid weight loss due to cancer, and deciding exactly what to wear at their own funerals.
Recently, Ryan stated: “Why should the very richest amongst us care about a single mother of two who has breast cancer? Do you know that under ‘Obama Care’ very rich people had to pay TAXES? Why even Donald Trump had to pay over $93 dollars in taxes over the last 30 years. There are multibillionaires who can’t even afford a fleet of jets as nice as their friends have, but no one is caring about THEM or THEIR plight!!!”
Ryan then staged a press conference for 100 reporters, 43 of whom were never seen nor heard from again, and talked about the new GOP healthcare plan, until he was overcome in joy and giggles, and started saying “Bwa Ha HA HA”, causing Mitch McConnell to run in from another room, once again narrowly beating The Hare he was racing at the time, to join Ryan’s laughter of “Bwa Ha Ha HA Ha”, in perfect harmony, which is why they’ve been referred to as “Evil Simon and Evil Garfunkel” recently by so many.
They even booked time in a recording studio to record a cover of a famous Simon and Garfunkel song, changing the words to “We got Julio deported down by the school-yard.” a song which Betsy DeVos publicly approves of.
So Americans, are you EXCITED about our new health care plan that’s being shoved manaically down our throats and took less time to draft than the lyrics to “I was made for loving you” by KISS? Well the REPUBLICANS sure are. As many Americans now will stop going to doctors and wasting everyone’s time by staying alive despite not having large fossil fuel financial interests or working for Goldman Sachs.
Also, noted humanitarian Jason “Antoinette” Chaffets (R-Utah), rolled back his statement about poor people forgoing i-phones in lieu of health care, once he was informed that iphones that aren’t 24 karat gold and adorned with diamonds only cost about $700, which is way less than most poor people spend per year in their very selfish attempts to stay alive.
Written by Steven W. Rouach.
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