As you may have heard… possibly while dancing in glee the way Snoopy does whenever he’s overcome by pure joy, — Donald Trump and Melania have tested positive for COVID-19 (due to GOD FINALLY getting around to checking three and a half years of stockpiled urgent voicemails…)
Yes, shortly after Mr. Trump’s very successful televised debate about “proving the effects of the dangers of not having any impulse control”, we found out that Trump’s surrogate nanny, Hope Hicks, was infested with COVID. She shared it with Donald Trump as they sat inside the miasma of Mr. Trump’s halitosis on-board Air Force One, (a plane that smart people used to fly on).
Despite the fact the outright refusal of wearing masks during a pandemic is always a bad idea, we truly have now seen another side of this equation. Sometimes it leads to fun things.
First- Louie Gohmert, the original head-model for modern-day butt-plugs, got coronavirus for refusing to wear a mask, and now the absurd monstrosities of Trump’s inner circle, and Trump himself, have gotten it.
In a word, “YAY!”
BUT, how do White House doctors go about medically treating Donald and Melania’s COVID without having to morally live with the fact that they tried to help them recover?
The answer is they can do so — just by adhering to the GROUNDBREAKING medical research and theories (published in respected medical resources such as Twitter and Facebook) put forth by Donald Trump himself.
So, let’s take a magical journey together where we test out some of Donald’s own cutting-edge pandemic procedures, on Donald and Melania and Hope Hicks, and everyone they all hung out with over the past week including GOP Senators Mike Lee, Thom Tillis, and Ron Johnson, Chris Christie, and (Willem Dafoe’s stunt-double) Kellyanne Conway, who have all tested positive for COVID-19 and also tested negative for having a soul or any trace of decency.
1. Miracle Drugs — Hydroxychloroquine and Chloroquine (Two great tastes that taste great together).
Forget the advice of the Antifa liberals in the science and medical community and the FDA! THOSE folks will tell you that hydroxychloroquine and chloroquine have the same effect on COVID-19 as gluing an aspirin to a penny and swallowing it. This is believed by many to be mostly due to Nancy Pelosi secretly starting a medical and science school in the late ’60s and creating an army of intelligent and competent medical and science professionals who insist on reading data and studies.
So, when Mr. Trump touted hydroxychloroquine as the MIRACLE cure for coronavirus DESPITE also probably having a direct financial interest in the drug, many people took notice! A lot of those people who took notice were people with LUPUS who later also noticed they were dropping dead from lupus due to a sudden shortage of hydroxychloroquine and chloroquine.
And sure, coronavirus patients treated with hydroxychloroquine suffered “serious heart problems, blood and lymph system disorders, kidney injuries, and liver failure”. — BUT very accurate studies proved that test subjects treated with hydroxychloroquine died from coronavirus at only a slightly higher rate than a different group of test subjects that were treated by forcing them to ingest Duracell CR2032 watch batteries. All of those test subjects were in VA hospitals, by the way. (V.A. Hospitals being named: “America’s #1 Resouce for Flippantly Testing Untested Medical Treatments Espoused by a Madman, Just On a Whim, Onto Our Own Soldiers During a Pandemic”).
Of course, all that data is a bunch of left-wing information compiled by physicians and scientists who selfishly refuse to help make Trump feel happy by ignoring all known data.
So, obviously, hydroxychloroquine treatments should be started on the Trump family. AGGRESSIVELY. Like as many pills as they can swallow and a bunch they can’t.
2. Household Cleaning Products and Ultraviolet Light! BUT — INSIDE THE PATIENT!
At a time when the nation was gripped in fear we anxiously watched the coronavirus briefings, just in case any real information somehow slipped through, Trump took center stage, interrupting scientists, and helpfully suggested we somehow get ultraviolet light and disinfectants into our bodies. This happened. It happened and we let it happen.
Trump claims he “was being sarcastic”.
He proposes; that in this profoundly solemn moment in time, he felt we, as a people, needed… sarcasm. I’m not sure how that works because my mind is not a cartoon bird that lives in a clock. What Donald doesn’t seem to comprehend is that saying it either sarcastically, or seriously, works equally well in terms of terrifying-goofy-factor.
So, Mr. & Mrs. Trump should be put on a vigorous treatment of enema-based anal bleaching, Lysol mistings, hand-sanitizer- I.V.-drips, and then placed in the same tanning booth that took away Superman’s powers in ‘Superman II’ for ultraviolet treatments.
3. Just Ignore It.
Pretend it doesn’t exist. Call it a hoax and then call it fake news. Pandemics always go away when you do that. Like a miracle. Like magic. Or maybe when it gets warmer it will go away.
My advice is we test out these theories as 40% of America anxiously hopes Donald Trump recovers and 60% of America anxiously hopes he winds up refrigerated in a truck and then posthumously indicted along with any and all surviving members of his family. Their logic being:
Save America,… save the world.
As I write this I discovered that Donald Trump was taken to a hospital.
It gave me a moment of pause.
It seemed pretty dark to mock an old man’s health crisis and I considered not publishing this article. I was just about to leave it among the hundreds of my unpublished and half-finished articles that lay buried and forgotten.
Then I remembered 208,000 dead Americans. They’re buried too. I remembered how unimportant they seemed to Trump. Like ants. How he did nothing constructive to help the spread of this deadly pandemic and, in fact, did all he possibly could to enable it, going as far as holding indoor rallies to place his own supporters in jeopardy in exchange for adulation. I remembered how he lied to us, ALL of us, about COVID-19, for MONTHS.
I remembered Trump refusing to condemn the Proud Boys (and other 40-year-old virgins) and calling for his supporters to discourage or prevent fair voting priveledges to other Americans through intimidation. Or, through violence. To strip minorities of their right to vote… in disdain of their right to exist.
I remembered how Trump made us fear and hate our own fellow Americans, our former brothers and sisters who once shared a country with us, despite our political views. Never uniting, always dividing. The only guy in that chair behind that seal in that office to ever go out of his way to do so.
And if I’m being honest, I’d admit, with some sadness, that part of me hopes he doesn’t recover. Not out of malice but for the good of us all.
Written by Steven W. Rouach