TRUTH IN SATIRE!

MY OWN FAKE NEWS! Stuff I Wrote That Really Wasn’t Necessarily True!

You’ll be SHOCKED by my duplicity!

Pictured: AN IDIOTIC, BEFUDDLED, LUNATIC-HOBGOBLIN, SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO TERRIFY SMART PEOPLE. (Geralt/Pixabay)

Yes, in this, my second terrifying year of being a Journalist* I’ve come to now discover, to my own dismay, that some of the things I’ve written were not 100% accurate, and may have been the result of enthusiastically self-medicating in lieu of diligently triple-checking my sources.

*(From the Latin word “Journalist” — journo- which means “to write”, and
A-list, which means “a popular celebrity”. So “Journalism” comes from the Latin phrase: “To write, onto the forehead, of a popular celebrity”)

Well, just imagine my horror that even just a FEW things I’ve printed in over 380 articles, were later proven to be untrue. — I was shocked, then saddened, then angry, and then I got hungry… so, I was thinking about eating something, then I was shocked and angry again! THEN, I got distracted by a noise outside where two guys were cursing at each other, and then I thought about how much I enjoy watching John Oliver. (He’s very boring when I watch him in his private life with binoculars, and yet, on TV he is hilarious! I guess he saves his best stuff for a larger audience.)

It was a very tense moment!

I NEVER want to MISLEAD or MISINFORM! I owe that to my deeply cherished, beloved, and adored readers. I’m closer to you than I am to ANYONE… and yet, looking back amongst my stories — while 98% of my stuff was completely factual, there was that 2%…

And that is 2% too much error on my part, and for that, I am profoundly sorry. I can only promise to do better and know in my own heart how much I mean that.

I’ll do better, BE a better writer, or die trying. I know that for sure.

So, here’s a list of retractions from claims I made that were later proven untrue.

  1. There is no solid evidence Donald Trump’s birth in 1946 was part of a series of DNA experiments by Nazi scientists at the end of World War 2 to fulfill Hitler’s secret plans of “Destroying America,… Eventually… After 70 Years or So” (or, as this plan was called in Nazi Germany, “Endlich Amerika Zerstören … Nach 70 Jahren Oder So”), by combining human DNA sampled from the mentally ill, with various citrus fruits, which were then brought to fertilization.
    — Now, while the actual event MAY have happened, and probably did, the photographic proof I provided, unbeknownst to me at the time, turned out to not be actual evidence.
    The photos of a Valencia Orange with a screaming human face being held by proud Nazi doctors were later proved to be faked. The “tell” was a poster of Ed Grimley in the background.
    (From the article “Orange You Smart?!” April 2017)
  2. Treason Enthusiast George Papadopoulos is NOT the lead singer of the Folk-Rock group “The Mamas and the Papadopouloses”.
    — After carefully listening to the records of “The Mamas and the Papadopouloses” extensively, audio experts such as scientists from BOSE and Giles Martin have all agreed and concluded that it was Mama Cass Elliot and Michelle Phillips on those recordings, NOT George Papadopoulos.
    -(From the article “Go FOLK Yourself George Papadopoulos!” -June 2018)
  3. James Comey — did not hide in the curtains in the Oval Office because he feared being sexually assaulted by Donald Trump, he hid in them because he was terrified of Trump in a more general sense, and felt that Trump was truly a very scary lunatic. Comey wasn’t sexually assaulted by Trump until later in the meeting, proving Comey’s finely-honed instincts correct.
    (From the article “LORDY, Show Us Where He Touched You, James Comey! {Using Jeff Sessions as an anatomically incorrect doll!}” -May 2017)
  4. Hillary Clinton didn’t start World War I.
    (From the article “But WHY did she shoot Franz Ferdinand?!” July 2017)
  5. Ivanka Trump doesn’t really drink the blood of workers killed in her sweatshops. She only harvests their organs for resale.
    (From the article “Ivanka’s Kidney Line A BIG HIT As Clothing Brand FLOPS!” -February 2018.
  6. Trump, as presidential-place-holder, IN STARK CONTRAST TO HIS MANY FINANCIAL CONFLICTS OF INTEREST WITH EVERYWHERE ELSE ON EARTH — doesn’t have financial conflicts of interest with:
  • The Magical Land of OZ. -(FUN FACT: Trump’s Treasury Secretary: Steven Mnuchin was born there, in Mnuchin-Land, and rose to power due to that time The Wicked Witch of the East wanted to block funds for Glinda’s chemotherapy. He first represented The Lollipop Guild, and then went on to become a leader in innovations to figuring out ways to divert US tax dollars from the poor, to billionaires, without going to prison.)
  • Tatooine from Star Wars, (due to a combination of Trump being “a scruffy-looking Nerf -Herder”, as well Trump’s aversion to competing in business with his close personal friend, Jabba the Roger Ailes”). — (From the article “No Trump Scene On Tatooine & Trump’s Blizzard Of Reverse Diarrhea Of OZ!” -Oct 2017)

Obviously, I can only report as well as the sources and information available dictate. (Also, in my own defense, there are… distractions. For example, I live quite close to Brett Kavanaugh, so the local store never has a single beer available for me to purchase. I’ve often seen him loading up a van with every beer on their delivery day, while crying, and shouting, and yelling about lifting weights, and chasing various people around with his exposed penis. Honestly, he’s a really weird dude…).

BUT NO EXCUSES!

I promise to try to do better, every day in every way.

I hope we all do.

Written by Steven W. Rouach
swrouach@gmail.com

©2018 SWRouach

Is a carbon based life form from Earth. Anyone who tells you he's not is absolutely lying. He's known for being dashing, heroic & humanity's last, best, hope.

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