Melania Trump Sues Own Self, For Selling Her Own Soul…

(by Steven W. Rouach)

In a groundbreaking lawsuit that may have legal ramifications for years to come, Melania Trump has issued a lawsuit, to herself, for selling her own soul.

The suit which was delivered by subpoena by herself, to herself, makes her the first plaintiff and defender of a suit in known legal history. Legal experts are following this case diligently, as it opens up a whole new kind of litigation.

To recap, on January 22, 2005, Melania Trump entered into a deal with one Stephen Bannon, where she signed a document , in her own blood, that grants her total and complete financial security, in exchange for her eternal soul.

An elated Bannon then said “Bwa ha ha, Bra Ha ha ha” before disappearing into a pillar of fire and brimstone, only to re-emerge over a decade later , simultaneously holding the positions of both Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and Director of National Intelligence, a move that has prompted 65% of all Americans to construct underground shelters as fast as humanly possible. This has caused a boon in the survivalist industry whose stocks have collectively soared 16,000,000,000 %.

Melania Trump claims to not have known what the ramifications of this contract would entail, and has cited “the People vs. W. W. Jacobs’ Monkey Paw, 1902”, and “Stephen Bannon vs. Daniel Webster, 1932” as possible lines of defense.

In a statement, released via a burning chasm of evil that only exists to soil the fabric of our reality, Mr Bannon said “Her soul is ours and we will devour it over eternity as we see fit. Once the circle is completed you will ALL writhe in torment, and we will feed from the vapors of your terror and find bliss in your suffering and agony”. He went on to say “Bwa Ha HA , Bra Ha HA”, a catch phrase Bannon has been using for the past 120 centuries. He then, once again disappeared into a column of fire, leaving behind only a large pile of eczema, mixed with botulism.

So far subpoenas have issued to: Daniel Webster, Edgar Allen Poe, O’Henry, Stephen King, William Friedkin & William Peter Blatty, H.P. Lovecraft, Shirley Jackson, Joe Hill, Ambrose Bierce, and other well known macabre authorities, to provide expert testimony.

The legal world is now abuzz about this case as well as the conjecture of many noted linguists who are still trying to determine whether Melania Trump is actually trying to blink us a message in morse code. Some speculate the phrase “Need sanctuary , me & son, from scary giant cheese doodle” whilst others think she’s saying “Must stop him before he drinks from the ancient chalise and reads from the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis and devours the world”.

Blinking us a message? Noted linguists say: “Yes”.

In her suit, against herself, Melania also claims damage to the Melania Trump brand , as connotations of illegal soul-selling has tarnished her image.

She is also suing The Daily Mail publication, for mentioning her in an anti-soul-selling based article: “Deals with the Devil, Bannon gives little in exchange for human souls”

Harder Mirell & Abrams, attorneys who’s firm has represented the interests of such famed celebrities as The Unibomber, Squeaky Fromm, Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacey, Scott Baio and others is representing Mrs. Trump as both litigant and defender.

Mr Bannon will be called as a key witness, and due to Mr. Bannons severe allergies, all vials of holy water, copies of the bible, priests, statues / pictures of Jesus, any crosses or stars of David, as well as any other religious artifacts will be barred from the courtroom, which will make a swearing in process for Mr. Bannon a great challenge. The Jury will also have to be fitted with special apparatus to survive Mr. Bannon’s presence as he’s considered to be partially made of anthrax, which coupled with his natural delivery system of eczema and botulism can be fatal to those in his vicinity (see related article; “Exactly what happened to Kellyanne Conway”)

So what’s your opinion? Should soul selling be legalized, a move Bannon has been championing since 1200 B.C. or does Melania Trump have a case? Please let us know in the comments below.

A copy of the actual document. Released via subpoena by Bannon .

Reported by Steven “Our Last, Best Hope” Rouach.



Is a carbon based life form from Earth. Anyone who tells you he's not is absolutely lying. He's known for being dashing, heroic & humanity's last, best, hope.

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Steven Rouach

Is a carbon based life form from Earth. Anyone who tells you he's not is absolutely lying. He's known for being dashing, heroic & humanity's last, best, hope.