Pictured: Jeanine Pirro invites Father Lankester Merrin and Father/Dr. Damien Karras to perform a very rousing rendition of their new hit song: “I Cast You Out Unclean Spirit (The Power of Christ Compels You!)” on her popular TV show!
Like most fungal infections, Jeanine Pirro has returned — to her Fox ‘News’ show, “The Why Am I Not Locked Up In An Asylum? Hour! -with Jeanine Pirro!” Fans of Jeanine Pirro slithered out of their terrariums and spider nests to watch!
I spoke to a fan of Ms. Pirro, a Mr. Demon Beelzebub, who had this to say:
“She was a joy to watch in the ancient Philistine city of Ekron during the Old Testament and now she’s BACK! So excited! I can’t wait to tell my friend BA’AL!”
—Mr. Demon Beelzebub
Inspiring words, indeed.
Pirro’s show was recently voted — “the #1 program to cause people to yell at Muslim women pushing their babies in strollers in public”, and Jeanine Pirro wants to continue that service.
I spoke with a producer from Pirro's show, Mr. Nomor Al Compass, who had this to say:
With the rave reviews she’s gotten on her latest special “A Look at Exactly What Happens When I Refuse to Take My Medication!-with Jeanine Pirro”, we really felt she broke new ground on the things you can do, and say, on television without actually getting arrested!
- Nomor Al Compass
Sobering thoughts, indeed.
Not to rest on her Laurels (Stan and Martha Laurel, a couple Pirro has enslaved and uses as furniture), Pirro has a NEW planned segment to boost her marketability called “Eating Live Babies with Jeanine!”
Here’s a series of photographs from her new segment.
So, I then decided to have a word with the President of the Jeanine Pirro Fan Club, Hori B. L. Person.
*(ED NOTE: It’s these types of initiatives that have me commonly be referred to as “the Edward R. Murrow of this generation”).
Here’s my groundbreaking interview with her, which I filmed on a NY bus.
I know. I feel we really made a connection.
And, here’s an interview with the Vice President of the Jeanine Pirro Fan Club, Mrs. M. A. Kneeack (Due to a scheduling conflict, I wasn’t able to interview her myself, so I asked the most awesome black dude in all of history, my good friend Mr. Amar Ricaan-Hero, to interview her in my place). She waxed poetic about her LOVE for Pirro’s show, which she says gives her “all SORTS of interesting IDEAS!” and she also claims to have been the person who murdered Tupac Shakur, (for all you rap-music fans).
I can see why those two women are such HUGE Jeanine Pirro fans.
So, EXCITED that Jeanine Pirro is back on the air spreading her unique messaging to millions of concussed Americans? Will YOU be writing THESE COMPANIES WHO SPONSOR HER SHOW to inform them how happy you are she’s back on the air? (*Each sponsor has a FUN & ACCURATE historical fact about them).
- Bayer (the #1 pharmaceutical company to use slave labor from concentration camps for Hitler).
- Sandals Resorts (Voted BEST homophobic /anti-gay resorts to get scabies AND hookworms!).
- IHOP (America’s #1 source for getting 2000 - 3500 mg of sodium in just a SINGLE SERVING!)
- Sheex (A bedding company whose motto is “Not quite as bad as sleeping on a bed filled with spiders”).
- Procter & Gamble (All P&G products are thoroughly tested by applying them to the eyes of various animals used for determining whether P&G products will cause your eyes to liquify. Seriously, they have a cruel history of barbaric animal testing for cosmetic products. NOT cool!).
- Capital One (Customers filed more grievances about Capital One last year than Citigroup & JPMorgan Chase & Co. combined (even though they only issued a 13th as many cards), according to Federal Trade Commission data. AND, they had to pay $210 million to settle charges of deceptive marketing of credit card “add-on” products that ripped off their own customers. — Isn’t that FUN?).
- Cadillac (Their new motto: “MOST of our cars DON’T burst into flames when starting them, and NOW even MORE of our vehicles include WORKING brakes! AND, a portion of all our sales go to supporting the important work FOX NEWS and Jeanine Pirro does to help all Americans verbally attack and physically bludgeon each other due to their race”).
PS. Here’s a link that will easily get you to all their Twitter pages, in case you want to leave them an encouraging message!
*(I’ve done this for each company on this list… because I’m trying to save the world… because that’s what heroes do!).
These are Jeanine Pirro's leading advertisers
Leading advertisers AllState Samsung P&G Sheex Cadillac Squarespace GSK IHOP Capital One Kayak
Written by Steven W. Rouach
FUN FACT: Every time you give a round of applause at the bottom of the page of one of my stories, I literally leap up and take a bow. True story.
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