I Talked to GOD About Election 2020. My EXCLUSIVE Interview With Famous & Reclusive Deity.
Once again, trapped in a country gripped with disease and madness, a nation torn in half as hundreds of thousands of us fell dying into the chasm between us, I desperately needed wisdom and guidance. I needed… hope.
After a long and perilous journey that also involved me leaving my apartment, I stood, trepidatiously, upon Mount Horeb, by a burning Bush (Jeb).
The light changed and became alive. I heard the music of eternity. It sounded like The Beatles in 1966 if Brian Wilson was the fifth member. I stood bathed in awe and glory. And for the fourth time in my relatively short and illustrious career as a writer, I spoke to GOD.
Me: Hey there, Biggie-G! Can you believe what’s going on out there?
GOD: Out where my son? I kind of have a lot of oars in the water…
Me: Earth… America.
GOD: Wait,… you guys are still alive!?! Oh, I’m going to have some VERY serious discussions with my new intern, Kevin! Last I heard everything was on fire, everyone had plague, people were punching Rick Moranis in the head, hurricanes were lifting states onto whole other states, everyone was stabbing everyone, oh, and… the frogs… what day is today?
Me: Um... I think it’s Sunday, my lord. Everyday kind of seems the same now because…
GOD: On Tuesday it will be raining frogs. We’re really cranking them out of the frog-making machine. So,… you know, dress accordingly. Now would be an excellent time to invest in a helmet.
Me: My Lord, your ways are beyond me, especially because I’m kind of a whimsically eccentric person…
GOD: By that, you mean you're idiotic, irreparably damaged, and relatively dim-witted from smoking your own body weight in pot every six hours?
Me: Yes, exactly. But I’m just starting to sense you might possibly be upset with America specifically and earthlings in general.
GOD: Whatever gave you that idea? Was it the viruses, hurricanes, and all the fire, and the upcoming torrential frogs?
Me: Kind of, yeah. So,… is this the end? I ask because I was hoping to live a few more years… virtual-reality-gaming is so AWESOME and Oculus just came out with a new headset… but it reports all of your information to Facebook and then they sell your informati — … WAIT… Oh, no… Is that, in itself, part of the frogs, fire, and…
GOD: You know what you all look like to me when I look upon you?
Me: Judging by what’s going on? I’d say we all look like -if Gene Simmons from KISS and Ace Frehley from KISS had a baby together?
GOD: Sort of, and individually, yes. But collectively… okay, picture ants. Now picture them if they were all assholes. Just a bunch of tiny, awful, jerks. See, regular ants are fine. They go about their business of doing ant projects such as annoying all of you humans and that’s what makes them wonderful. You people are like if ants were all just horrible and intent on annoying ME.
Me: So,… how do we get back into your good graces?
GOD: Oh, have you tried killing each other in my name or getting abhorrent and despicable, disgusting, old, men to exploit me on TV to have their poverty-stricken followers send them money for multiple lavish mansions and jets- like I am an INFOMERCIAL? Or, maybe harassing and tormenting others who look or speak differently than you while enthusiastically and maniacally destroying the actual world I put you on?
Me: We did try that! I’m guessing it was the wrong tact. I’d like to point out I personally wasn’t involved in any of that stuff, mostly because VR gaming has really eaten up a lot of my time since I upgraded my video card to…
GOD: Oh, my ME. Do you ever stop being idiotic?
Me: I’m just as you made me, my Lord. So,.. no.
GOD: That was Sheila, my last intern. She wanted to make something goofy but with nice eyes and cheekbones and you popped out.
Me: I’m flattered she thought of me. So, how can we turn this around? Is there a message I should bring back to everyone?
GOD: You should all go F**K yourselves. You people sicken me and I am disappointed in humanity at every level. I gave all of you the capacity for my greatest and most profound gift. LOVE. I remember when I came up with it. I even invented The Beatles to promote it with catchy jingles. Of course, you maniacs shot one of them to death and stabbed another one repeatedly in the head.
Me: I voted against them doing that but no one would listen…
GOD: I gave you LOVE and yet you all choose hate.
Me: Well, why did you make us this way? My readers want to know!
GOD: Oh, perhaps maybe I was distracted after inventing the sun because I ordered special celestial oven-mitts from Amazon and they had five stars but I think they all were fake reviews and the mitts wound up getting all charred and I had to then print a label to send them back, and then I gave it a one-star review saying “I would have given this NO stars if I could have”. Then I casually mentioned how I invented stars.
Me: There is… a lot to unpack in that statement…
GOD: (Sigh) Why I do what I do, and invent what I invent, is far beyond you or anyone to comprehend, my son. All you need to know is I gave you all CHOICE. Every second of every day. You wouldn’t be surprised how often I am disappointed in all of your choices.
Me: It’s been hard for me to be surprised after everything that’s happened since 2016.
GOD: Yeah, that’s when I evacuated David Bowie, Carrie Fischer, and every other cool and fun celebrity from your realm of existence.
Me: We’re a spectrum, my lord. Some of us are amazingly good and heroic and selfless. Some of us are horrible, everyone else is in between. Oh, please let the good and great survive to help the unjust and crummy see the error of their ways. Also because if you wipe us all out Snoopy won’t exist anymore. Why even have a universe or galaxy with no Snoopy?
GOD: I tire of conversing with you.
Me: As do all things.
GOD: My message is; you all have a choice coming soon or at this moment or in the recent past. Kindness and empathy or anger and cruelty. Justice for all or justice for none. Heroism or fear and cowardice. Enlightenment or the blinding darkness of ignorance. What you choose are your own decisions but choose wisely.
Me: Wait, can you repeat that? My mind was like a million miles away because I was thinking about Facebook’s new VR headset again and whether I’ll buy it even if it destroys humanity becau —
GOD: Oh, for…
And with a flash of brilliance and then complete nothingness, I stood there, all alone on the mount, the Bush (Jeb) no longer burning, and hoped that when we make the choice that was mentioned, that we choose correctly. I have a feeling our existence depends… on us.
Written by Steven W. Rouach (Prophet, who writes his words on subway walls and tenement halls.)