“I knit now.” — Batman
After years of writing about Batman for the ‘Murder & Mayhem’ section of ‘Gotham Cuisine Weekly’, I must admit to feeling somewhat melancholy as I was carefully stepping over all the corpses as most of Gotham City continues to burn, except for the parts that “The Penguin” Oswald Cobblepot recently sank into the ocean.
Amidst the screams and gunfire, I noticed the new Gotham Police Commissioner was impaled on the spire that marks the center of Gotham Park. This wasn’t as upsetting as the fact that he was also partially eaten, which didn’t exactly inspire me with confidence. His murder marks the sixth police commissioner killed in the two weeks since Commissioner Gordon abruptly quit and famously said “BYE!” as he got into his car, and then said, “See ya!” as he screeched away.
I then spoke to Gotham’s new Mayor, Mayor Garcia, as he was swinging upside down in a pendulum fashion, dangled over a large tank filled with piranhas, crocodiles, rats with bubonic plague, and baby sharks wearing tiny MAGA hats, as the Joker stood nearby laughing maniacally.
Me: Mr. Mayor! If I can have a few words? After having lost the lottery to replace the 11th mayor murdered over the past nine days, do you now regret your decision to go into politics?
Mayor Garcia: Oh my GOD, help… I’m about to die and my shoe just flew off!
Me: Sir, your reign as mayor lasted for only 33 minutes before you were abducted. Is there any advice you would give to Gotham’s next mayor?
Mayor Garcia: What? Are you kidding?!? HELP! that maniac is lowering me into that death tank!
Me: Well sir, I’d love to help, but I’m a reporter with no discernible superpowers, and Joker is a homicidal maniac and a killing machine. He’s having a really good time and my survival instincts tell me he’ll murder me if I try to put a stop to his fun.
Mayor Garcia: Get the police! Tell them what’s happening!
Me: All the police I’ve seen today are wearing Joker make-up and stabbing everyone. I’m pretty sure they’re not the regular police force because they also killed a lot of white guys, so, probably just a bunch of lunatics that killed all the GCPD and took their uniforms.
Mayor Garcia: Oh, no, no… HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY!
Me: Mr. Mayor, do you attribute the 26,000% increase in crime to Batman no longer being angry and tormented and no longer intervening in stopping insanely psychotic and violent crimes?
Mayor Garcia: (As the laughing Joker lowers him into the tank) They could be… connected… gurgle gurgle.
Inspiring words, indeed…
So, I spoke with Batman’s controversial new psychiatrist, Dr. Walter Melon. — Here’s what he said.
“Mr. Batman’s rage came from his very wealthy parents always foolishly insisting on taking him into extremely dangerous, crime-ridden, dark alleys as a very young boy, until they were eventually shot and killed due to this very strange hobby.
They would dress up in their most expensive clothes and jewelry, and take their very young son into alleyways even heroin addicts and street gangs would avoid. So, he saw them get killed and realized at that very young age that they were seriously irresponsible parents.
— Dr. Walter Melon . (Phd, PsyD, DDT, Seedless)
I then asked Dr. Melon what the citizens of Gotham should do.
“Oh, they should move. Definitely. That’s what I’m doing. Mr. Batman can have his sessions in my new office in Metropolis where less people are running around on fire, statistically. He has a Bat-Plane, but we’re working on him using the word “Bat” way less in his day to day speech, so we call it the “contentment jet” or the “flying calm box”.
So, citizens of Gotham, EXCITED by all the fast-paced murder and mayhem and water-supply poisonings? Do YOU think this mirrors what the current administration’s plans are for the whole country?
Let us know in the comments below, and if you shine the Bat-Signal, Batman WILL show up, but he’ll just wordlessly hand you something he’s recently knitted instead of saving anyone. Sometimes it’s a sweater, sometimes a baby’s onesie, sometimes a tea cozy.
Then he leaves without fighting any crime as people and things explode, and he usually later winds up in Gotham Botanical, peacefully trimming the roses.
Written by Steven W. Rouach