Donald Trump Celebrates the First Anniversary of His First Colossal Idiotic Mistake
How to ruin all credibility within 24 hours of taking power
Close your eyes, and let’s be transported back in time (via a classic sit-com blurry transition effect, coupled with a harp sound) to January 21st, 2017. It’s the day after Trump’s inauguration, the most eagerly anticipated event since “A Concert For Change: The Philharmonic Orchestra Performs The Music Of Limp Bizkit”.
It was a star studded event featuring such mega-celebrities such as: Scott Baio and Tony Orlando, where Trump gave an impassioned speech strikingly reminiscent of passages from Joseph Goebbels’ famed memoir “101 Amusing Anecdotes You Can Tell At Nazi Parties”.
Former president George W Bush described it as “WEIRD S**T”
Noticeably absent from this event was:
- anyone with a lick of sense,
- anyone who doesn’t own KKK robes or has swastika tattoos,
- Non-Billionaires,
- any women who haven’t experienced a lobotomy, or blunt force head trauma, and
- anyone with empathy, dignity or compassion as a trait.
This left a smaller attendance than anticipated to witness what future historians will refer to as “the Gala of Later Dire Repercussions” and this caused Trump, a brand new president-place-holder, who’s been in charge less than 24 hours, to completely LOSE HIS F****** MIND, in a manner eerily like the spoiled Sweet 16 girls who throw insane tantrums about their party details, as seen on reality TV.
See, it turned out that when the press, (after reporting on Trump’s calling 17 of the USA’s intelligence agencies liars who are also Nazis, as his first really clever idea in office), pointed out the low attendance of Trump’s inauguration,… Trump became vexed and wouldn’t listen to reason. Here’s how that went.
- “I’m vexed” said Trump.
- “I’m not going to listen to reason” said Trump.
Trump insisted on insisting he had the MOST attended inauguration. When it was carefully explained to Trump that there is VAST visual, photographic, and satellite evidence to the contrary, Trump didn’t understand.
- “I don’t understand” Trump said.
So, the top members of Trump’s cabinet put together an impromptu puppet show to explain to Trump why lying about this will be an astonishingly bad idea, but, sadly, Trump still didn’t understand. He yelled “Who are they going to believe — me or their own eyes?”
Trump then flew into a rage, causing one terrified White House aide to shout “Oh, dear lord he can FLY now! We’re all doomed!” Trump bit one of Reince Preibus’ fingers off, spat it at Kellyanne Conway, and screamed with every vein standing out in his vain*, “It was the MOST attended! I’m the MOST popular! I’ll kill and murder you all and crush your bones with my sharp ferret-like teeth!!” — Causing some in attendance to begin questioning Trump’s temperament and general decision making skills.
*(Get it? Vein / Vain? It’s like a metaphor… Clever)
A terrified Sean Spicer stood trembling in the Oval Office, asking:
“Seriously… you REALLY want me to do this?”, as Stephen Miller menacingly pointed his quivering proboscis at Spicer, dripping with a dark ichor, which if dispersed, would infect and impregnate Spicer with thousands of Miller’s eggs, according to various CDC reports.
Also, adding to Spicer’s anxiety was Stephen Bannon casually holding a gun pointed in Spicer’s general direction as he simultaneously performed fellatio upon himself, delighting the White House staff who witnessed it shortly before all their eyeballs exploded.
So, a visibly shaken Sean Spicer speaking to the press for the very first time as official White House Press Secretary, first warmed up the room with an AMAZING, near-perfect Melissa McCarthy impersonation, and then stammered for a while, before declaring that Trump’s inauguration was attended by over 4 billion people, and was the most attended thing of all things throughout history. He basically explained that gravity, and the tilt of the Earth and its rotation, were all effected by having so many humans at one place, at one time.
For Trump, this (besides being a guy with a history of shady money laundering events openly taunting the FBI and CIA), was Trump’s first HUGE, bigly mistake.
He could have just ignored his inauguration attendance, much like anyone else on Earth, or any other planets that have life would have done, and it would have all gone away.
But, he instead INSISTED on morphing reality for something INCONSEQUENTIAL to everyone except Trump. The reason this is silly, is because when someone idiotically lies about something idiotic, no one will believe that person if that person ever attempts to tell the truth, which, in fairness, is something Trump has yet to ever do.
Trump then had (famed actor) Willem Dafoe hastily throw on a stringy long-haired wig previously used to clean a peroxide spill, and under the pseudonym “Kellyanne Conway” go on television to introduce our NEW version of “reality” called “Alternative Facts”, which are the scariest, and most terrifying words since “eyeball cancer”, or, “Steven Seagal’s nude pictures”.
See, there’s something we call “street cred”. You create a series of precedents of truth to establish you’re an honest person. (Tee hee).
Donald Trump doesn’t have this because he’s never been on the street with humans, nor has he ever had any credibility. So, let’s not celebrate the one year anniversary of this being confirmed.
Sad.
Written by Steven W. Rouach
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