And Now It’s Officially a Cult. Welcome to Donald Trump’s Jonestown!

Every day is spooky and tomorrow is always spookier

Steven Rouach
4 min readJul 9, 2020
A Whiter Shade of Pale skips the light fandango. (image by author)

The CDC did a wonderful study to see how much they can terrify me, personally.

Here’s what happened. In story form.

Once upon the goofiest and darkest timeline we now find ourselves trapped in… as many of us lay dead and dying…

Donald Trump helpfully suggested we all find a way to get bleach and Lysol into our bodies… to combat a deadly virus he otherwise ignored yet also enthusiastically caused to spread.

So, the CDC decided to have a survey to ask whether anyone was actually goofy enough to take him seriously.

This next sentence will shock you. So hold onto your hats. If you don’t have a hat on please go get one (I’ll wait here) and once it’s on your head, hold onto it before reading the next sentence.

The survey found that 39% of respondents had misused a household cleaning product in an attempt to kill the coronavirus.

Oh, isn’t that FUN?!?

39% of us!!!!!!!!!!, — the exact same number of us who think that a maniacal, befuddled, lunatic hobgoblin, halitosis field generator, demonic-reverse-diarrhea-monster in an ill-fitting suit named Donald Trump is doing a great job.

They ingested bleach because he told them to.
That is so bone-chillingly creepy.

The survey consisted of 502 adults ages 18 to 86 with a median age of 46. Respondents were from all over the United States, with 38% coming from the South, 24% from the West, 21% from the Midwest, and 18% from the Northeast.

Specifically, CDC found that of those who misused a household cleaning product:

19% applied bleach to their food;

YUM! I remember when ‘The French Chef’ Julia Child did that on her cooking show shortly before they carted her off out of the studio and locked her up in an asylum.

18% used household cleaning products or disinfectants on their hands or skin;

Lysol — now with aloe!

10% misted their body with a household cleaning or disinfectant spray;

Ah, step into the wondrous and glimmering mist of bleach and make yourself even whiter and angrier.

6% inhaled vapors from household cleaners or disinfectants;

THAT sounds like it’s REALLY good for your brain!!

4% drank or gargled a diluted bleach solution;

Gurgle, Gurgle!!

4% drank or gargled soapy water;

Glug, glug, bubble bubble bubble, glug!

4% drank or gargled pure bleach or another cleaning disinfectant solution.

When life hands you lemons you could make lemonade using bleach and Lysol and scrubbing bubbles and Ajax and Comet because an idiot told you to.

Oh, Lord, help us all…

I’m not making this up. I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

The same way I vastly underestimated racism in this country, and lunacy in this country, and cruelty in this country, I underestimated cultish stupidity.

This isn’t politics. This isn’t liberals or conservatives. This is a cult.

This is exactly what would’ve happened if Charles Manson had teamed up with Steve Bannon, or if Jim Jones had Mitch McConnell around to help him every step of the way.

Recently, I spoke on the phone to a guy I used to know — because no one warned me not to. Turns out in the years since we last spoke he became a Trump supporter.

He told me that his business can no longer make a profit because Trump’s TRADE WAR with China caused his cost of materials to skyrocket.

And yet he loves Trump despite this.

He also explained how he’s not worried about coronavirus because he has procured Hydroxychloroquine. (What a clever fellow!)

After confirming he was serious and not joking, I explained to him how it’s a great way to pop his heart like a zit.

He replied, “That’s just liberals trying to make Trump look bad and hurt his election!”


Okay… so… every doctor… in every country… says taking Hydroxychloroquine has the same impact on coronavirus as merrily ingesting mouse droppings, and they’re allowing all their patients to die needlessly, just to make Trump look bad for trying to push a drug that he more than likely has a financial stake in.

Shockingly,… I didn’t change his mind.

cult (plural cults)

  1. (chiefly derogatory) A group or sect of people with a deviant religious, philosophical or cultural identity, often exploitative towards its members. (Quotation: “Oh my gosh, I’m in a cult!”)
  2. A group of people having religious beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister. (Quotation: “a network of Satan-worshiping cults”)
  3. Worst case scenario: Trump Supporters. (Quotation: “I don’t care how much Trump hurts me personally or how many of us he kills. I don’t care how many U.S. soldiers he allows Putin to kill. I don’t care that he puts babies in prisons or insists on filling his own pockets as he takes away my healthcare and food stamps! My LIFE for him”)

Written by Steven W. Rouach in the country formerly known as America.
— — —
FUN FACT: Every time you give a round of applause at the bottom of the page of one of my stories, I literally leap up and take a bow. True story.

Write to me at



Steven Rouach

Is a carbon based life form from Earth. Anyone who tells you he's not is absolutely lying. He's known for being dashing, heroic & humanity's last, best, hope.