After Trump Fired Him, James Comey Now Embarks On Exciting, Fun New Career.
By Steven W. Rouach
Donald Trump continued his very clever and masterful campaign to not look suspicious, by now firing the man who was investigating him, James Comey.
This clever scheme of NOT looking suspicious started during his 2016 campaign when he said, (and I swear on Dave Barry that I’m not making this up) -“I will tell you this, Russia: If you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing…”
That happened. It really did. He said that. With his mouth. Trump looked at a camera, opened his mouth, thus releasing some ghouls that resided in there, and then - ASKED RUSSIA TO INTERFERE WITH OUR ELECTION and our democracy. True story. Isn’t that FUN?
Then he further decided to not look suspicious by hiring Michael Flynn, shortly after Obama, Sally Yates, and the Ghost of Christmas Future, all took time out of their busy schedules to visit Trump’s dreams just to warn Trump not to hire Michael Flynn, whereas Trump woke up completely energized, and immediately cut off Tiny Tim’s direly needed medical coverage before having him deported, hired Flynn, and then fired Sally Yates as Attorney General, replacing her with known racist, perjurer, Russian conspirator, and former attorney of the Keebler Elves, Jeff Sessions, (who recently became a free-elf after Harry Potter gave him a sock, a move that Potter, a Democrat, later regretted).
Trump also went out of his way to ensure he wouldn’t look suspicious by filling his staff and surrounding himself with people with no connections to Russia except for:
- Michael Flynn,
- Paul Manafort,
- Carter Page,
- Roger Stone,
- Jeff Sessions,
- JD Gordon,
- Jared Kushner,
- Donald Trump Jr.,
- Michael Cohen,
- Erik Prince,
- Alfa Bank,
- Rex Tillerson*,
- Wilbur Ross,
- Betsy DeVos,
- Felix Sater,
- Vitaly Churkin,
- Aras & Emin Agalarov.
(*Rex Tillerson, the only known entity Vladimir Putin has ever smiled at, who got a fun BFF “friend” medal from Putin).
So besides all those people, Trump really is totally nailing the whole “not suspicious” thing. He really is. Here he is pictured below, to further distance himself from any thoughts of Russian collusion.
So, what’s next for James Comey? I’m glad you asked (via the voices in my head that I’m assuming are you). Comey now plans to do a number of interesting things such as:
- Finally try that recipe for rhubarb pie he found in Hillary’s emails.
- Make Donald Trump look almost as suspicious as Donald Trump does.
- Finally return to his one true love of competitive figure skating.
- Become a cast member in a new ABC sitcom starring Comey, John McCain, and James Clapper, called “Three Men And A Baby Who All Think Donald Trump Has Committed Treason”.
- Go through any emails Hillary sent to Bed Bath & Beyond customer service to return a defective toaster, just to make absolutely sure she didn’t accidentally divulge any high security clearance details to their return request authorization department while printing out her return label.
- Reacquaint himself with his love of ballet.
- Testify in front of the eventual grand jury for Trump’s impeachment.
- Learn some COOL new dance moves.
- Adopt a British accent, and stick to it.
- Offer to carry Jeff Sessions to Sessions’ own eventual treason hearings on his back much like Yoda and Luke Skywalker in “The Empire Strikes Back”, (except Sessions somehow looks way more like Yoda than actual Yoda does)
- Join Obama and England’s “Microwave Oven Spy Club” (Fun Fact: The only spy club that has a built in popcorn setting).
- Lend himself out as Jason Chaffetz’s surrogate foot, allowing Chaffetz to help destroy everyone’s health care, until Chaffetz’s own tax payer supplied, very excellent health care options quickly heals him fully.
- Two Words. Roller Disco!
- Grow a David Letterman beard and shave his eyebrows off for a FUN new look!
- Finally get his indie rock band a record deal.
- Spend 12- 18 secords learning everything Ben Carson knows about neurosurgery and Urban Housing.
- Spend another 25 minutes helping Ben Carson find Carson’s missing luggage, from that time before Carson got stuck in an elevator, but after Carson got trapped in his own car.
- Search the woods for Kellyanne Conway and verify whether rumors of Hillary creating an army of Bigfoots are true and have any ties with Conway’s disappearance.
- Work for Mitch McConnell as part of McConnell’s “Maintenance Team” that’s in charge of polishing McConnell’s shell and carefully storing McConnell’s googley eyes when McConnell isn’t using them.
- Get into the high profile and exciting world of industrial carpet manufacturing and sales.
Many people have now questioned Trump’s judgement, due to his firing of Comey and his habit of drinking 12 gallons of Windex Glass Cleaner every single morning.
Trump responded with this statement: “Wow, how am I even still president? I’m really trying my best to get out of this, but getting out of this is much harder than I thought. I’m sensing a trend… Now, I’ve got to be honest and say that I just ingested 17 full hits of the world’s strongest blotter acid, and chased it with close to a pound of un-cut Bolivian cocaine and then topped it off with a hit of double barrel mescaline, so I feel pretty terrific. I’m not even sure why I fired Comey, it does seem insanely suspicious, but I think my brain is broken, purple puma-blanket knapsack scissor-face jazz-hands”.
A statement that indeed left many, with more questions than answers.
Trump later tweeted to clarify:
“I fired Comey because I don’t appreciate his shoe choices. Seriously tassels? Who wears shoes with tassels anymore? Sad! Will replace him with Ivanka, who will now lead fake investigations about fake Russia, that fake me asked to interfere in our Democracy on National TV in front of thousands of live witnesses”.
He then later tweeted:
“I can hear England and Obama laughing at me when I was cooking my burrito, NEW FBI should look into this”.
Diligently reported and researched by Steven W. Rouach
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c2017 SWRouach
